For The Night
by neonshredder
Summary: An old story of mine I'm revisiting. Set when Amanda first joins SVU. "She was so conflicted. She missed Olivia so much. If she could go back in time...she would in a heartbeat. But since that wasn't possible, what did she want? She felt Amanda's heart pump calmly next to her. It was nice."
1. Chapter 1

Ok. So. Hi. This is an old story that I had been publishing on another account and abandoned. Now that I'm back into writing (*cough* read my other story *cough*) I wanted to revisit it. I began to write it as a one-shot set at a very specific time, but I decided to make a story out of it. And as always, let me know what you think!

 **Xx**

Alex Cabot walked onto the subway the morning after the completion of a trial with heartbreaking connections to the world she witnessed working overseas. She sighed. One year for rape. At least he was going to jail, and his life would be fucked for a while, before his friends in high places made it like it never happened. One of the many things she learned during her experience in central Africa was that getting something was better than nothing when it came to dealing with violent predators who think they can do as they please.

She opened her email on her phone. They had a new rape case, but not much to go on yet. She had her monthly meeting with Jack McCoy in a couple days; at that she let out an audible sigh, then, moving on, closed her eyes and cursed under her breath.

Veteran Detective Elliot Stabler was officially retiring. Elliot had always been an invaluable member of the team, and a loyal friend. She didn't see how they were going to replace him—whoever it was wouldn't be good enough, not nearly.

And she knew Olivia would take it hard.

She wanted to head straight to the precinct, but the ADA had to spend most of the day at her office, working through lunch on frustrating routine post-trial paperwork and procedures dealing with what's his face hot shot Italian rapist, which was exponentially more complicated due to his non-citizenship and wealth and status abroad.

When she finally walked into the squadroom late that afternoon, she saw Olivia standing at her desk. "Ugh, Liv, today has been awful," she greeted her friend as she would normally. "I've been working non-stop since I got in this morning with this damn Mr. Italy situation."

"Yeah, I bet that's a real pain," she replied distantly, not looking up.

Alex lowered her voice and spoke genuinely. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright, Alex," came terse response, sounding annoyed. As Olivia scanned papers and photos on her desk, Alex tried to get through.

"Hey, Elliot's leaving is really sucky, unimaginably so for you, I know that. I hope you know you can talk to me...I'm here, Oli-"

"STOP." The detective interrupted loudly, slamming her files into a folder and snatching it up. She raised her arms rigidly and shook them at Alex. "Just stop. Just drop it, Cabot." She turned away and walked out of the room, leaving Alex standing next to an empty chair, bewildered.

 _What the hell just happened?_

She was still staring somewhat confusedly at the space where Olivia had been, the shock turning to hurt in her mind, until she was brought back out of it by a bright voice moving her way.

"I can update you on the new case, if you like, Ms. Cabot. We haven't formally met—' A hand was offered in introduction; it belonged, Alex noted, to an attractive blonde perhaps 10 years her junior. "I'm the new detective here. Amanda Rollins."

Alex accepted the warm gesture with a weak smile. "Alex."

Xx

After a long day of intense work, the norm for the SVU team, Olivia, John, Fin, Alex and Amanda were out for drinks. Olivia still hadn't even looked at Alex, let alone talked to her. They spent most of the evening remembering moments and series of events from over the years that still held their significance for the group of friends: Trials they won and lost; lives they saved and times they were too late; faces they would never be able to get out of their heads; heated arguments between colleagues(usually Alex and Olivia) that escalated into screaming matches and, amidst much shared joy and strife, turned unlikely teammates into strong friends.

Finally, Fin was the one to ask, "Have you talked to Elliot, Liv?"

"Um." She took a gulp of her beer before sucking in an unsteady breath, as if she was going to cry. "Yeah. I mean, not too much, but…he said after the shooting IAB was going to make him jump through all kinds of hoops and kiss a large amount of ass if he wanted to stay in this unit, or even the force. He said because of all their bullshit it was easier to make a hard decision that he was already considering. Killing a girl who could have been his daughter was another huge burden on top of the pile of guilt and everything else he's been battling for years."

Munch commented, "He was being pushed ever more vigorously and tightly against his breaking point, and was given a way out."

"Yeah…And I'm afraid of what will happen when he's hit with the guilt of taking it." Olivia downed the rest of her bottle and stood up to leave.

Fin turned in his seat and looked at her, lightly touching her arm. "You know we're here to talk and whatever, we all been through a lot of hell together."

In his philosophical manner, John suggested, "It's just a transition, Liv. Let us help you through it."

Olivia pursed her lips and gave a small nod; it was obvious to Alex it wasn't in agreement, but goodbye. "Thanks guys."

The guys left soon after, but Alex had decided that she was going to be there a while. Better to drink and wallow at the bar than drink and wallow alone at home, she reasoned. Amanda moved to the vacated chair next to Alex, and ordered another drink. Though she wasn't able to contribute much to conversation that evening, Amanda came across to Alex as quite charismatic and driven—not unlike herself at her age, which seemed so long ago, yet Alex remembered the time clearly. She was excited to start trying her own cases, and working consistently with the same unit of police, which included a headstrong, shorthaired detective that so unknowingly won her heart.

"Olivia seems to be going through a really hard time."

Alex nodded, taking a big sip of her fresh rum and diet coke. "She and Elliot are really close. They were a great team."

"I saw her snap at you today…that wasn't fair."

"Yeah, well, it's understandable. She just lost her partner, she's gonna be on edge." Alex looked down, nursing her drink. "Maybe I was wrong to approach her so soon."

They sat in silence for a few moments. Para?

"How long have you been in love with her?"

Completely blindsided, Alex jerked her head up. Her heart was racing. "Excuse me?"

Amanda softened her voice slightly but held her stare, her eyes boring into Alex's. "I know what I'm talking about, Alex."

Alex took a step back in her mind. What did she miss? A lot, she realized; having not really had contact at all with Rollins for the African maid case, and Olivia's distance keeping her sufficiently preoccupied throughout their interaction today, Alex hadn't noticed anything about her at all. Now, going back over the past few days she looked at the scenes in which Amanda was present, analyzing her look, her dress, her demeanor, her voice, her stature, her personal presence…she realized she reminded her a lot of her friend? Serena Southerlyn.

"You're gay." It was more of a statement than a question. Amanda nodded.

Relaxing a little, she sighed and let herself sink back down slightly. "A long time," Alex let out, taking another sip of her drink. "When I first started working with the SVU about 10 years ago…I quickly had strong feelings for her that I didn't know what to do with. It turned out she did too, but neither of us was at all confident enough to act on them. It went very slow…we did. Everything finally fit into place one night, and we kissed, and it was wonderful. We were talking about having a real relationship, to be together…and then I was shot. The Feds decided it was easiest and safest to proclaim me dead and force me into the protection of anonymity that I didn't want, I _never_ would want. I fought so hard just to be able to say goodbye, and they finally agreed to shut me up. But Elliot had to be there, along with 5 fucking federal agents, and I couldn't say anything I wanted to say, though I didn't really know what that was anyway." There was a brief pause, in which both women continued drinking. "Sometimes I wondered if it would have been better just to not see her at all."

Amanda responded, "And let the woman you loved believe you were dead? Right after you told each other you were in love and wanted to be together, for you to be gone forever?"

"That's why I demanded to see her that night. I couldn't do that to her. She was supposed to be protecting me…my being snatched away and stashed in Wisconsin with no contact was punishment enough."

Alex didn't know why she was so willingly discussing her most personal history with someone she had just met. But it kept coming out.

"I just want to talk to her again. Hold her again. I thought that's what coming back would mean." She sighed slightly, stopped by a pain in her throat like she was going to cry. "But that' s stupid, really. Just a few weeks after I came back from witness protection I left again. For fucking Africa."

"I read about how you stood up for women in war-torn areas. Did you not want to go?"

"Of course I did. I wouldn't have gone if I didn't want to, I had had enough of people telling me where I had to be. I was really passionate about it. But also I was scared. Scared that it wouldn't work with Olivia. I mean, I had never had a good relationship before, what if I messed up again?"

"So did you two not talk about your relationship in that short time you were back?"

"Not really. We slept together. I guess we were starting to rekindle our friendship after having not been able to talk for four years. And then there was the case that sparked my desire to go to Africa."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"Yeah, about how much I wanted to go, how inspired I was, but wasn't sure if it was the right thing. She told me to follow my heart. So I left. But part of my heart was left behind in New York."

Amanda gave a friendly smile. "And now? What's your heart telling you now?"

"It wants Olivia. To finally have her. No more being taken away, or running away. But who knows if she wants me, too. Maybe she's found someone better."

"The way she acted today tells me she hasn't. Her guard is up, hardcore. If she had someone new, someone she loved like you, she would be more chill. My guess is she's always been in love with you. But she's scared to get her heart broken again."

The pain in Alex's throat finally gave way to tears. She rested her elbow on the bar, her forehead in her hand, as they welled up. She felt a hand on her back as she blinked a droplet down into her now empty glass.

"Let me take you home."

Alex sniffed. "But you've been drinking, too."

"There's this thing called taxis."

"Ah, yes, those." Alex said as Amanda took her hand and they started toward the door. "We had a really good make-out session in one once." She stumbled a little as she turned back towards the bar. "My bill…"

"It's on me, I took care of it. Are you alright?"

"Not that drunk. Just…tired."

On the cab ride to her apartment, Alex stared over at Amanda. "So what about you? Is there an equally beautiful woman in your life?"

Amanda giggled a little and flashed a smile. "Not at the moment, no."

As they neared her address, Alex asked, "Care to come up for a bite to eat? I have plenty of leftover Chinese to share."

"Sure, thanks."

They walked up together to Alex's new apartment. "Make yourself at home," she offered. She walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the white take-out boxes out of the fridge.

Alex turned around and the next thing she knew her lips were on Amanda's, and Amanda was returning the kiss. Alex's hand went up to her blonde hair as Amanda put her hand on her waist and pulled Alex into her.

And she went back to when the hair she grasped wasn't bright like hers, but darker, short, with bands to push up…to reveal an eyebrow that pointed a bit more than the other…above brown eyes that looked at her with passion.

Alex's other hand roamed, feeling Amanda's body, also perfected in the police academy, and kept up as well. She moved her lips down to her neck, and pressed her tongue against warm skin, something she had only fantasized about the whole time she was overseas. She moved her hand up to her chest, and with her body started to guide the other woman backwards towards her bedroom. But she felt a hand push against the front of her hip, separating their torsos.

Alex reluctantly pulled her tongue away from Amanda's neck, not wanting to open her eyes. She heard Amanda trying to subdue her heavy breathing.

"Alex. I can't be your Olivia for the night."

Alex stared at the beautiful, bold woman in front of her.

Amanda sighed and moved towards the door.

"I'm sorry. Try to get a good night's rest."

She gave half a smile as she walked out.

Alex stared at the closed door for a moment before turning back towards the kitchen. She looked at the food she wouldn't be sharing with anyone.

"Fuck."

And the tears came again.


	2. Chapter 2

The previous night was Friday, so Alex went to bed without setting an alarm. She unfortunately still didn't get much rest, however. After fading in and out of sleep for most of the morning, she finally got up and walked to the bathroom. _You look like shit, Cabot._ She thought to her reflection. In the mirror she saw that her eye makeup from the day before was streaked down her face; her eyes, full of exhaustion and uncertainty, were red from crying and rubbing too hard, the discomfort having given her something to focus on over the unrelenting thoughts swarming her restless mind.

She had spent the night tossing and turning, thinking about the interactions of the previous day. She thought about her makeout-session and almost sexual encounter with the new detective. Yes, she was attractive. But was that even a factor? She was thinking about Olivia when she kissed her, touched her. Amanda was right—it wasn't fair to continue.

They had been flirting in the bar and in the cab, though. The one that the other woman suggested they take to Alex's apartment, together. She invited her up and she agreed. Had Amanda wanted her from the start? If that was true, she thought, she admired her self-control to push her away and walk out the door.

She thought about what Amanda had said about Olivia's interaction with her, that it seemed that she didn't have someone she was seeing. How could that be gathered from one short conversation—not even conversation—though? What if she was wrong? Drinking always makes you overly confident of your assumptions. Like Alex's assumption that Amanda was being more than friendly, that she wanted that kiss, wanted her. Although she was still pretty confident of that come the morning.

What she wasn't sure of were her own feelings about this new woman. Was she just drunk and needy? She told Amanda herself—her heart wanted Olivia. Her body did, too. But Olivia wasn't there, Amanda was. And she had been so kind to her.

She also tried to think that she was unsure about what she really wanted with Olivia. But she corrected herself. She did know—she wanted to live happily ever after, and pretend like all those years apart didn't matter. To pick up where they left off. But she wasn't sure if it could happen. She always somehow thought she would end up with Olivia. But life doesn't work the way you want it to. She knew that all too well, of course. Refraining from growling and pulling her hair out, she got dressed and walked to the kitchen.

Alex made herself some coffee and started reading the newspaper on her computer. She had a calm, uneventful weekend ahead of her. She had some work to do from home, and would spend her free time reading a book and exercising. Her building had a workout room, and she was grateful she had the time and energy to use it. She pounded away on the bike, rock and dance music blaring in her ears, clearing her head. A few minutes later, she winced as she raised a 10-lb dumbbell over her head, her third set. She was content with the physical pressure to take the place of the emotional pressure she had been dealing with.

Her two days off turned out to be pretty relaxing, as long as she kept her mind occupied. She exhausted herself Friday night trying to answer all the questions nagging her. She didn't want to think about her romantic situation(s?) right now. And she didn't feel like talking to anyone. She enjoyed spending time by herself. And she had done enough soul-sharing at the bar.

When she walked into the SVU squad room Monday morning, she was nervous, but she tried not to let it show. She was worried how meeting with the two female detectives would go. There were group conversations regarding their new cases, during which Alex tried to determine Olivia and Amanda's moods. Olivia seemed calmer than she had been the few days earlier; she appeared her normal self, focused on finding bad guys. Amanda was as bright-faced and determined as ever. Alex didn't have personal contact with either one of them until she went to the bathroom later. As she opened the door, she saw Olivia there, washing her hands.

"Hey Alex," she greeted in a normal tone. "Can you talk for a sec, or are you desperate to pee?" She asked lightheartedly. Alex couldn't help but smile. She had always loved her little cute comments like that. But something was off.

"It can wait," she replied.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you the other day. I've just been really tense with Elliot gone. It's great to have you back as a member of the team."

"A member of the team?" Alex repeated slowly. Her heart felt like it was turning to ice, ready to be shattered.

Olivia sighed, looking down briefly. "We did have something, Alex…eight years ago."

Alex was silent, trying to swallow away the pain in her throat. She didn't have to pee anymore. She just wanted to cry.

"It took me a _long_ time to get over you."

"But you are over me, then."

With her hands in her pockets, Olivia tilted her head forward, causing her hair to fall slightly in front of her face. Alex wondered why she had to be so beautiful when she was breaking her heart. The brunette gave a small "I'm sorry" smile, but didn't actually say the words. Alex was actually relieved she didn't, they just would have made it worse.

In the privacy of the stall, Alex worked to pull herself together, and put on her stoic face she usually wore. If she was going to cry, it had to be later. She had to finish the work-day competently, and that meant pretending nothing was wrong.

She walked through the squad room, directing her words loudly towards no one in particular. "Do you have enough evidence for me to get a warrant for your rape suspect, yet?"

"Which rape we talkin' about here counselor," Fin responded.

Alex sighed. There were so many other people that had pain much worse than hers. She needed to focus on them.

"Any of them?" She offered weakly.

She got a drink from the water cooler and made herself focus on the board full of photos of victims, suspects, evidence. She saw the blonde detective walk towards her and grab herself a cup.

"Hey Alex, how you doin'?"

"Pretty shitty, frankly." Alex responded automatically. There she was again, being so unfiltered with Amanda. She couldn't explain it. She just made her so at ease, she guessed.

"I'm sorry," Amanda said back. Her tone was so genuine.

Alex turned towards her, looking her in the eye. "Amanda, I'm sorry about the other night…" She didn't know if she should say something else.

"No worries," the other woman replied just as simply, and flashed a smile. She turned towards the board to study it alongside Alex.

As she thought about their cases and what she could go to trial with, Alex was very aware of Amanda's presence beside her, but it didn't bother her. Regardless of what had happened between them in her apartment, she liked Amanda. She hadn't felt so comfortable with someone so quickly in a long time. About eleven years, in fact, when she started working with a certain other female detective. Now she wondered if she would ever be able to feel that comfort with Olivia again.

Xx

At home, Alex was trying to relax with a beer and a book, tonight a historical novel on Hitler's Berlin. She knew the irony of reading about evil in her free time when she dealt with it every day at work. She read some happy books too, sometimes, and the occasional lesbian romance.

But she couldn't focus on reading right now. She was thinking about what Olivia said earlier that day. It wasn't much, but Alex was going over every word in her mind, trying to figure out what to do with it. They _did_ have something? So they couldn't anymore? Calling her a member of the team was such a deliberate statement. Straight to the point, she supposed. Olivia had to have known how cruel that would be. It took her a long time to get over her? How long? What does that even mean? Had she deliberately tried to forget about their romance? Probably, she reasoned, she had been gone for so long. But they got together when she was back…before she left again. Alex cursed herself and felt the tears threatening. It was all her fault.

What if Amanda was right? That Olivia was always in love with her, but she's locking up because she thinks she'll just get left again?

And what about Amanda? Alex naturally liked her, opened up to her. Was that just friendship, though? Fucking lesbians and their blurred lines, she thought. Amanda wanted her, didn't she? Did she want her back? Alex let out a "Hmp" that no one else could hear. She was the one who kissed Amanda. And wanted to lead her to bed. "Oh geez."

Alex put down the book she wasn't reading and got ready for bed.

The rest of Alex's work-week was a pretty standard one, mainly spent at her office in the DA's building. She went into the precinct a couple times, dropping off warrants and checking on the progress of investigations. But both times were brief, and with little interaction with the women on her mind, except for friendly hellos with Amanda, and Alex staring at Olivia, wondering what would make her change her mind.

On Friday evening a knock on her door brought Alex out of the case file she was intensely focused on. She realized it was after six o'clock. "Come in," she called.

The door opened. "Hey, Cabot." Detective Rollins stood in her doorway, now casually leaning against the frame. "It's a little late to be working on a Friday, don't you think?"

Alex felt herself grin. "So why did you think I'd be here?"

Amanda smirked back. "Oh, just a good guess. We're all workaholics, aren't we?"

"Fair enough." Alex sat back in her chair. "So what's up, detective?"

"Want to come out to dinner with me? There's this Thai place I've been wanting to try."

Again, Alex didn't review her response before saying "I'd love to." "But I, uh…" Alex looked down. "I'm not really dressed for a dinner date, detective."

Amanda raised her hands in kind of a shrug, gesturing to her black work jeans and blue button up. "Neither am I. Let's just go like this."

"Alright. Give me a minute?" Amanda looked around her office while she gathered her papers. She hadn't been here yet. Alex wondered if her response meant that this indeed was a date. She thought she should be more nervous for her first first-date in years.

She finished packing up her briefcase and walked to join the detective.

"You always bring your work home with you, counselor?"

"Of course."

Amanda shook her head. "Silly question, I suppose."

When they got to the street, Alex asked, "So where is this place?"

"A few blocks from here." She thought for a moment. "Eight, I think. Do you mind if we walk? It's a nice night."

"Sounds good."

As they got to the end of the block and were waiting for the light, Amanda looked at Alex. "Can I hold your hand?"

Alex thought it was so sweet how she asked. She smiled, and paused a moment this time before consciously answering. "Yes."

Amanda smiled back as she slipped her fingers through hers.


	3. Chapter 3

They walked hand in hand until they arrived at the restaurant, where Amanda stepped in front and opened the door for her date. Alex smiled shyly and walked in, the detective following behind her. As they were being seated Alex noted that it was a nice place, but not so fancy that she felt out of place in their work outfits.

"Nice place," she commented, spreading her napkin on her lap.

"Yeah, I thought so, and even nicer with a beautiful woman in front of me.

Alex huffed in amusement.

"Whaat?" Amanda grinned.

Alex looked her in the eye and opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment the waiter arrived. Amanda winked.

"What can I get you to drink, miss? He asked, nodding to Alex.

"I'll take a Singha, thank you."

"For me, too, thanks."

The waiter nodded at Amanda and walked away.

Amanda looked at Alex with an eyebrow slightly raised. "I wouldn't have pegged you for a beer person, Cabot."

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me, just yet, Detective Rollins." She returned the wink. "Corona is actually what I usually get, but I figure since we're at a Thai restaurant—Thai beer."

They continued to chat and flirt, stopping only to order and eat.

As they began eating, Alex finally asked, "So where are you from, Amanda?"

"Atlanta."  
Alex smiled subconsciously at learning a new fact about this new woman she wanted to get to know. "Ah, that explains the drawl."

"Yeah, it comes out some times more than others. I'm not really trying to keep it, but I'm not trying to get rid of it either."

"I like it."

Amanda smiled. Alex thought to herself that she wanted to make this woman smile some more, it was so beautiful. She didn't think what came to her mind next would do that, but she felt she needed to talk about it.

"I talked to Olivia briefly on Monday."

"Oh? How did that go?" She asked like a friend.

Alex repeated the conversation to Amanda.

"That's really harsh." Amanda winced. "Do you think she's telling the truth? About being over you?"

"I don't know." Alex sighed. "I wouldn't be surprised. We haven't been able to be together for 8 years, some of that my own doing. She probably gave up on me."

Amanda nodded in understanding. "Well, I basically just met her, I'm sorry I can't give you more insight into whether you're right."

Alex felt like she should say more, but she didn't know what. She didn't really know how she felt about all of this: being on a date with the new detective after telling her about her Olivia issues. She didn't want to say the wrong thing to push Amanda away, to ruin her chances with her. Who knows what was going on with Olivia; Amanda was right here, right now, making her happy, and she didn't want to fuck that up.

After they had finished their meal and were walking out the door, Amanda asked, "How do you feel about some ice cream?"

Alex laughed a little. "You have room after all that food and beer?"

"Always room for ice cream."

"I'm sorry detective, I'll have to take a rain-check. I'm stuffed."

"Alright," Amanda replied brightly in her thick Georgia accent, which made Alex smile.

"How about we get a movie, instead? Chill out with some Netflix?" Alex slightly cringed at her choice of words. She didn't mean "Netflix and Chill"…hopefully that didn't scare Amanda away.

"That sounds great."

Xx

They walked in Alex's door together, as they did the week before. After they decided on a movie, Alex got up and headed towards her room. "I'm gonna put on some comfier clothes, do you want to borrow anything?"

"Nah, I'm okay. I'll just get settled here."

Alex walked out of her bedroom a couple minutes later in sweatpants and a t-shirt, to find Amanda sitting on her couch having taken off her work shirt, leaving her in a gray tank top. Alex appreciated the view, but it was Amanda who commented on Alex's appearance. "You really look good in everything, don't you Cabot?"

Alex blushed. She turned off the light and plopped down on the couch next to her, putting her feet up on the coffee table. Amanda relaxed also and put her arm around Alex.

"Is this okay?"

Alex nodded happily. "Mmhmm." She pulled the blanket over them.

Alex thought this was wonderful, relaxing against a woman again. She couldn't help but remember movie times with Olivia, which were quite similar to this-the detective's strong body spread out with Alex snuggled up against her. She was so conflicted. She missed Olivia so much. If she could go back in time, to before she was shot, and return to their life which had finally become explicitly more than friendship, she would in a heartbeat. But since that wasn't possible, what did she want? She felt Amanda's heart pump calmly next to her. It was nice.

As the credits rolled, Amanda took Alex's chin in her hand and pulled her in to give her a soft kiss, unlike the fiery ones of the week before. Alex couldn't help letting out a soft "Mm."

Letting go, Amanda said, "I like you a lot, Alex. But I can't be with you knowing that I'm just a stand-in for the person you really want to be with."

She stood up to leave. Alex lifted herself up a bit and slid a foot underneath her. She turned to look at Amanda. "Amanda, I…" She didn't know what to say, it was a fair statement.

"Just think about it, okay? I had a great night."

"Me too."

Amanda smiled. "I'll see ya." She let herself out.

Xx

Like one week ago, Alex had a lot on her mind as she got into bed. But tonight her mood wasn't as frantic, more contemplative. Her night with Amanda had been amazing. She had so much fun just talking. She was so comfortable with her. Flirting with her was so natural. And she might be one of the sweetest people on the planet, asking if she could hold her hand, and put her arm around her, and telling her she looked good in sweats.

She was so happy cuddled up against her. And yet her mind went back to being with Olivia. She wondered, if Olivia called her this minute and told her she wanted to be with her, what would she do? But that wouldn't happen.

Could she like Amanda for Amanda, not wanting her to be Olivia? _I do like Amanda for Amanda_ , she thought. It was just a matter of if she liked Olivia more. Was that fair? Hell, she hadn't really been with Olivia for 8 years. People change a lot in 8 years, right? Maybe Olivia wasn't even the person she fell in love with, anymore. The old Olivia wouldn't have called her "a member of the team."

As she fell asleep she found herself wishing that Amanda was there with her, that it was her hand she was holding instead of the pillow.

After a Saturday spent by herself, and a beautifully long sleep-in Sunday morning, Alex smiled at the cloudless sky outside her kitchen window. She went and grabbed her phone.

"Hey Amanda. It looks like a beautiful day for ice cream."

Amanda let out a short laugh. "You're right, it does."

"Shall I pick you up?"

Amanda agreed and gave Alex her home address.

"Alright, awesome, give me an hour and I'll be there." Alex found herself smiling into the phone. "I can't wait to see you," she added.

She put on some coffee before heading back to her bedroom to figure out what to wear for their second date.

She pulled up the weather on her computer to confirm what she saw outside. It was a beautiful spring day. After looking through her wardrobe at the different possibilities, she decided on a favorite pair of jeans that she knew hugged her slight figure just right, and a three-quarter sleeve blue v-neck that she knew brought out her bright eyes. She smiled slightly as she turned to check herself out from all angles in the mirror. She wasn't cocky about her looks, but she could admit when she looked good. She hoped Amanda thought so, too.

Alex thanked the powers that be for her good hair day. She put on some light make up and checked her silver watch. Wanting to be on time to pick up her date, she poured her coffee into a travel mug and hurried down to her car.

Alex pulled up in front of Amanda's apartment building and got out her phone to let her know she had arrived.

"You here?" came a low twang into her ear.

"Yep!"

"Comin'"

Alex watched as the door to the building opened and her blonde companion strolled out, one hand in the pocket of her jeans and the other pulling on her red collared shirt, which she wore over a white tank top, straightening it.

She opened the car door and stepped in, looking over at Alex. "Well hey gorgeous."

Alex felt herself blush. She looked at the steering wheel and tucked her hair behind her ears before asking, "So, do you have an ice cream place in mind?"

Amanda stared at her in mock disbelief. "You're telling me that _you_ invited _me_ out for a date and you don't even know where we're going?"

Alex laughed lightly. "Well, you seemed to be quite the ice cream lover with your 'always room for ice cream' comment, detective, I figured you knew the best places."

"You're the one from New York here! You're lucky I know a good one, Cabot."

Alex whacked her arm playfully and drove off when Amanda finally told her where to go.

The two women walked up to the ice cream counter to order. Alex spoke first. "I'll have a cake cone, with one scoop of pistachio and one of hazelnut, please."

"Ooh, a pistachio girl," Amanda commented as Alex received her cone. "Cake cone with one vanilla, one chocolate, for me, thanks."

Amanda reached to get her wallet, but Alex put her hand on her arm to stop her. " _I_ invited _you_ out, remember?" Alex paid for their treats and they walked outside to sit at one of the tables in the sun.

"You're so boring, Rollins," Alex complained while tilting her head slightly to take a bite, nodding to Amanda's vanilla and chocolate decision.

"Don't misjudge me, Cabot. I love my vanilla, but I enjoy mixing it up with the non-vanilla as well." She winked, and licked around her ice cream.

Alex felt her whole body tingle, as she knew that statement referred to more than just ice cream. She found herself staring at Amanda's tongue traversing her ice cream, smoothing it, and had to pull her eyes away.

She distracted herself by asking the detective about the status of their case load. They proceeded to talk for nearly an hour about work, which was easy to do for two women who were passionate about their jobs. Amanda was telling Alex to "Make sure that bastard gets locked up for the rest of his life, Al," when Alex suddenly remembered that she had work to do for that case that really needed to be done by the next day.

Alex reluctantly drove Amanda back to her apartment. "I'm so sorry Amanda, I wish I could hang out longer."

They were stopped in front of her building. She took Alex's hand. "Me too, Al, but go home and do what you do to nail that prick." Amanda turned in her seat and put her hand on Alex's thigh, sending shivers through her body that were intensified when Amanda leaned forward to give her a light kiss. "We'll meet up again soon?"

Alex smiled, enjoying the lingering sensation on her lips. "Definitely. Have a good night."

Xx

After a very long Monday, Alex was ready to collapse on the couch and forget about how she willingly read about and dealt with scum and their inhuman crimes on a daily basis. She changed into sweatpants and a big soft hoody, and had just laid down when her phone beeped from the kitchen. She groaned. After taking a second to curse, she reluctantly pushed herself up from the couch and walked to the kitchen to get her phone. When she saw its screen, her grumpy face immediately lit up. Text message from Amanda Rollins.

 _Hey cutie. Wanna get lunch tom?_


	4. Chapter 4

_Yes, please! I'll meet you at the precinct? What time?_

 _Let's say noon, I'll let you know if that changes_

 _Sounds good : )_

 _: )_

Alex smiled and set her phone down on the coffee table before turning on the TV. She flipped through channels, only half paying attention to the pictures changing on the screen. She was looking forward to her upcoming date. Are these dates? Is every time she hangs out with Amanda a date? She hadn't been seeing a woman like this in a long time. It just wasn't a priority for her, and she had always had just one woman in mind, anyway. The last time was a couple years ago, when she was in witness protection. They had fun for a while, but Alex just couldn't put her whole heart into it, couldn't let herself fall. Would she give herself the chance to fall now? She thought back to the last time she had fallen for someone. She shook her head to push away the memories.

Xx

At five to twelve the next morning, Alex stepped off the elevator and walked into the SVU squad room.

"I'm telling you, Livia, something's not quite right here."

"What's not quite right?" Alex walked into the conversation.

Amanda turned slightly to acknowledge her, then turned back to the screen of evidence. "This suspect, Michaels. I don't think he did it."

"We know that they had a bad break-up, and he doesn't have an alibi for the time of the murder." Olivia contested. "We should continue with this lead."

Amanda turned to face Olivia. "Alright, I just think we should keep our options open."

"Okay, so where should we look next?"

"Not sure, I'll figure that out after lunch." She smiled at Alex and closed her computer. "Hey you."

"Good morning," Alex replied with a grin.

"Italian okay?"

"Sounds great."

Xx

"I know it's not healthy, but I'm a sucker for spaghetti and meatballs," Alex confessed after they ordered their food.

"I make the best spaghetti and meatballs."

"Oh really?" _Cute, sweet, and she can cook?_ Alex thought.

"Mmhmm, I'll have to make it for you sometime. What about you, what's your favorite thing to make?"

"I'm actually a horrible cook," Alex confessed embarrassedly, looking down and tucking her hair behind her ear. "I nearly set my apartment on fire trying to fry chicken one time, several years ago. I haven't been very anxious to try cooking much of anything since then."

"Oh you poor thing, I'll show you how to make something and make it easy. I'm not sure how great of a teacher I am, but I'll try."

Alex laughed lightly. "You're sweet, you know."

Amanda laughed a little back. "I know," she responded with a wink.

As they were walking back towards the police station, Alex said, "I really enjoy spending time with you. Let's do this again soon. There's a great health food place not far from here, to make up for all that heavy food."

"Sounds good to me, when?"

"Well, I have a meeting tomorrow and might be working through lunch, but what about Thursday?"

"It's a date." Amanda took her hand and squeezed it before they parted ways, a subtle affectionate goodbye in place of a public kiss near their workplaces.

Later that afternoon, Alex was taking a mental break from preparing for one of her current rape trials. Her mind traveled to what had been going on in her life lately, outside of work. She did enjoy spending time with Amanda. They were seeing a lot of each other, she noted, and Amanda kept proving to be an interesting, sweet, and attractive person. And she still hadn't really connected with Olivia-like she said, she was just treating her like a member of her team.

After their hard-to-swallow interactions a couple weeks ago, Alex had decided to leave the ball in her court, and wait for Olivia to come to her. But she never stopped into her office to say hi, or asked her to lunch to catch up, or even walked back with her from court. It was incredibly frustrating-was she really completely over her? Did she have someone else? Could she really have no desire to hang out with someone she used to care for so much? Alex ran her fingers through her hair with a sigh.

Xx

After a grueling Wednesday and a case that kept her up half the night, Alex was looking forward to her next lunch date come Thursday morning, so she was disappointed to see Amanda's text message.

 _Hey, I can't do lunch today I'm sorry, we're swamped : (_

 _Alright, how about we get take out for dinner instead?_

 _How about you come over and I make dinner?_

Alex smiled. _That sounds great_

 _Perfect : ) I'll let you know when I'm done today, it might not be til late_

 _Just tell me when to come over_

Xx

Alex, in contrast to Amanda and the SVU team, was actually surprisingly able to leave work early that afternoon, at about 4:30. She decided since Amanda wouldn't be calling her over until later, she would take a much deserved, much needed nap. After settling in and falling asleep before dark for the first time in she couldn't remember how long, she woke to her alarm and hopped in the shower, beginning her process of getting ready for her dinner with Amanda. As she was getting dressed, her phone rang.

"Hey," she answered simply.

"Hey you, I'm getting ready to leave work now."

Alex heard Fin's voice in the background. "You got a hot date tonight, Amanda?"

"Maybe I do," came the reply.

"Ooh, I'm gonna hear all about it in the morning, right?"

"Hey now, Fin," came Olivia's tired but lighthearted voice. "I don't think Amanda is one to kiss and tell, are ya?"

Amanda laughed. "See you tomorrow, guys."

With her attention turned back to Alex, she said, "Give me like an hour to get home and shower and start cooking?"

"Sure. I'll see you then."

"Right on."

Before she hung up, Alex rushed, "Wait, what's your apartment number? So I can buzz when I get there?"

"Ah, right, that would be helpful, huh. It's 2C." Alex smiled at her playful response.

"Great, see you in an hour."

Alex continued getting ready, putting on a favorite outfit that was casual and sexy: jeans, a long sweater-shirt that showed off her slight cleavage and hugged her slender form in the perfect way, and some hot but practical boots. After putting on make-up, she put her hair up, then took it down, and then put it back up, repeating the process five times. She finally settled on pulling it back, with her long bangs left out. She reached for her perfume, the one that Olivia always loved. She was about to spray it on, when she thought better of it and set it back down.

Thinking she might do some drinking while she was there, she decided against driving and hopped on the subway towards Amanda's apartment.

She buzzed apartment 2C and a moment later the front door clicked open. On the second floor, she knocked on Amanda's door, and behind it came a welcoming "Come in!"

She opened the door and heard something sizzling on the stove, which smelled wonderful. "Come on in, babe." Alex kind of smirked at the term, but also found it very endearing. "Dinner's almost ready."

She walked to see Amanda standing by the stove, pulling the remaining pieces of broccoli out of a wok and onto two plates. Amanda was wearing an outfit not as feminine as Alex's, but which fit her body just as well. Alex couldn't help staring at her ass, which her pants framed perfectly. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, thrown together with obviously little care, but Alex thought it looked better than her own obsessive-compulsive ponytail. As she turned around, holding their homemade dinner, Alex spoke her mind.

"Amanda, you look gorgeous." Alex saw her blush a little, before she responded, "Well look who's talking," and Alex watched her eyes travel up and down her body. She held up the six-pack she brought. "You like Sam Adams?"

"Sam? I got Corona for you, girl!" Amanda laughed. "Put it in the fridge."

She set their grilled chicken and broccoli on the table and they sat down to eat. "This healthy enough for you, after our lunch?"

"This is perfect, Amanda, thank you." She took a bite, and moaned softly. "And delicious."

Amanda smiled. "So how was your day at the DA's office?"

"A bit nerve-wracking, as usual, but I got the chance to go home early," Alex replied between bites. "So I took it and went home and took a nap, which was wonderful."

"That sounds great. You not getting any sleep at night?"

"I was up half the night thinking about a case." She sighed. "This young woman, Lily, who's been repeatedly raped by her boyfriend…She's so brave for working with me, and I want to help her, and put away the bastard, but I just don't have the evidence that a crime took place. I think I'll have to drop the charges, which breaks my heart. I'm letting her down."

Amanda gave her an understanding, sympathetic look. "We do all that we can and sometimes its not enough. It's not your fault."

Alex looked at her, wishing she would give her something more to go on with the case, but knowing there was nothing she could do. "But I'm afraid he'll go back and hurt her more, worse now that she's cooperated with the law. What if he beats her? She trusted me and I'll have only made her life worse."

She closed her eyes and drew her hand into a fist on the table. Sometimes she really hated the law, and her role in its lack of justice.

She felt Amanda put her hand on gently on top of her fist, and Alex felt some of her tension slipping out of her. "Please don't think like that. We'll make sure she's safe, get her into a shelter." She paused, and Alex took a deep breath and released it. "I really admire the work you do, Al."

Alex opened her eyes and turned one side of her mouth up softly.

Amanda returned the expression. "Now. Let's have some beer and drink away this negative energy."

Xx

Three bottles later, they were lounging on Amanda's couch, talking and laughing. Alex was leaning sideways into the cushions, a beer in her hand, her shoeless feet entangled with the other woman's. Amanda was telling some lighthearted story about a time on the job in Atlanta, but Alex had stopped really listening. She was staring at her lips as they moved, smiling, curling in her slight Southern drawl. She was a little buzzed and it just felt right to lean over and place her mouth on Amanda's in the middle of a sentence. Taken by surprise, it took Amanda a moment to respond appropriately, but she did, allowing Alex to caress her bottom lip with her tongue, and let out a pleased sound.

Hearing her approval, Alex put down her beer and shifted closer, putting her hand firmly on the other blonde's thigh, and sliding her tongue against hers. She moved her fingers into Amanda's loose hair and pressed her body closer against hers.

Amanda reached around her arm, sliding under her long shirt to take hold of her ass, and pull her on top of her.

Alex smiled into the kiss, appreciating her new position and the feeling of Amanda's hand squeezing her through her jeans. She bent her neck to start kissing Amanda's, eliciting a light moan. Her uninhibited mind was in charge. She took hold of Amanda's sweater, raising it up her body, and stopped her attention to her neck briefly to lift it over her head, leaving a tank top underneath. She was enjoying herself, enjoying the feeling of Amanda warm underneath her, the increased pace of her breathing and the tightening grip on her ass sure signs that she was turning her on. One hand in Amanda's messy hair, she slipped the other beneath her tank top. Alex kissed up her jaw line to her ear, and was taking it between her teeth when Amanda breathed, "Alex."

"Yeah?" She responded breathlessly.

Amanda pushed back on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.

"Alex, what do you want? I mean really want."

Alex knew what she meant and pushed the other woman out of her mind as soon as she came into it. Amanda, her soon to be bare chest heaving underneath her, was the only woman she was thinking about.

"I want you. Now."

 **Xx**

 **Soo this will be technically rated M next chapter, but I'm leaving it marked as T so it continues to show up on the main browsing page. This is the point where I don't have any more full chapters fleshed out, so updates will probably be less frequent. But they'll be worth it : )**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Amanda pushed back on her shoulder and looked her in the eye.**_

 _ **"Alex, what do you want? I mean really want."**_

 _ **Alex knew what she meant and pushed the other woman out of her mind as soon as she came into it. Amanda, her soon to be bare chest heaving underneath her, was the only woman she was thinking about.**_

 _ **"I want you. Now."**_

Amanda let out a guttural moan. She slipped her hand beneath the waistband of Alex's jeans and squeezed her ass hard. Alex held herself up with her hands pushed against the couch as Amanda weaved her fingers through her hair and took hold, attaching her mouth to her neck. She moved down her neck, across her collarbones, and down to her cleavage with her lips.

Alex was breathing heavy, allowing Amanda to take control. Amanda kissed across her open chest, sucking and nipping, almost threatening to make a hickey, but always moving on before leaving a mark. She moved her lower hand around to Alex's hip, pushing her back and steadying her so that Alex didn't need her arms to support her. Amanda took the bottom of Alex's shirt and pulled it up and over her head, throwing it aside.

"Ffff…" she exclaimed quietly, not finishing the word, as Alex's upper body was exposed. She sat staring at her pale-skinned torso, now only covered by a smooth black bra, for a moment, before Alex grabbed the back of her head and pulled her mouth against her skin. Amanda kissed the top of her breasts, moving her hands up and down her sides, which cut in softly below her ribcage and then curved out smoothly toward her hips

"Yours, off." Alex demanded. Amanda stopped what she was doing to cross her arms and grab her tank top and quickly pull it over her head. Watching her take her shirt off was one of the sexiest things Alex had ever seen. She revealed full breasts behind a red bra and perfect abs, a six-pack lightly traced on her stomach. "Fuck, Amanda." Alex said it. She, too, took a moment to take in the gorgeous half naked woman in front of her.

"You like what you see, counselor?" She said playfully, in between deep breaths. Alex nodded. She reached out to run her hands across her breasts and stomach, then leaned forward to kiss her passionately, pushing her tongue deep into her mouth.

Amanda grabbed beneath her ass firmly with both hands and stood up, bringing Alex up with her as she held her legs at waist level. Alex moaned into her mouth, and wrapped her legs around her waist, her hands around her neck.

Alex felt herself get wetter as Amanda carried her towards the bedroom. She tried to focus on Amanda's mouth, twirling her tongue around hers as Amanda continued to squeeze the underside of her legs.

They traveled through the open bedroom door. Upon reaching the bed, Amanda let go, dropping Alex on the edge of it. She pushed back on her shoulders, laying Alex down onto the covers. She quickly went to work on unbuttoning and unzipping her jeans, then grabbing them and tugging. Alex happily lifted her body to allow Amanda to easily pull them off of her, helping kick them off her feet. Amanda leaned over her on the bed, one knee to the side of her. Helping balance herself with one hand, she took the other and trailed it up Alex's left leg. Alex gasped as she ran her fingers over her nearly soaking wet underwear.

"So this is what I do to you, Cabot." Amanda said heavily, with a touch of a smirk in her voice. Alex whimpered. She hoped she would do a whole lot more to her.

Amanda rubbed her up and down through her underwear, causing Alex to let out another high-pitched sound of frustration and bite her lip. "Mmm, Alex," Amanda groaned, as she bent over to take a piece of Alex's skin on her neck into her mouth, sucking hard and biting softly.

Alex arched her back and moaned, desperate for her to keep going. "God, Amanda…please…don't tease me."

Amanda laughed lightly. "Don't worry, babe." She reached behind her to easily unclasp Alex's bra, before tossing it aside. She kissed her way down her chest to take her right nipple into her mouth.

"Mmmnnn!" Alex let out, closing her eyes.

After giving attention to both her breasts with her teeth and tongue, Amanda leaned back to allow herself to use both hands to tuck under the thin band of Alex's underwear and slide them down. Before Amanda could return to what she was doing, Alex expressed in a deep voice, "I want you naked." Amanda smiled and reached to take off her own bra. Not satisfied with the speed at which clothes were coming off, Alex sat up to undo Amanda's pants herself, hastily pushing them down. Amanda stepped out of them and pushed Alex back onto the bed, getting on top of her. They both moved up until they were fully on the bed, when Amanda took Alex's breast in her hand and the skin on her shoulder into her mouth. "Ohh…"

After another moment, Alex said breathily "Amanda…please…I'm so wet for you." Alex wasn't usually one to beg for anything, but she was so turned on right now that her pride wasn't a top priority.

"Mmm," she replied, moving her hand down her body to between her legs. She slipped her fingers into the wetness between her folds, teasing her as she slid them up and down.

"'Manda…ple-" She gasped as Amanda pushed two fingers deep inside her. Alex arched her back as she curled her fingers, making it hard to breathe. "Oh god," she managed. Amanda reached behind her and held under her back, holding Alex against her.

"God, Alex, you're so fucking sexy." Amanda's rough, lustful tone in her ear made Alex clench around her. "Mm, you feel so good," Amanda responded to Alex's silent approval.

Alex's head was fuzzy. She hadn't done this in a long time. Doing anything other than mindlessly experiencing Amanda's touch would take immense effort. But she managed to give the intuitive reply. "You…feel…so good."

Alex was holding herself up on her forearms, having wanted to see and touch and kiss Amanda, but now it was becoming a struggle to hold that position. By now her precise ponytail had loosened and fallen down and half of her layers were hanging in front of her face. Her eyes were fluttering open and closed, like they couldn't decide what they wanted. But her brain and body knew exactly what she wanted.

Amanda was making her feel incredible, fingering her perfectly in the spot that it took most people frustrating guidance to find. With the pleasure she was feeling now on top of the attraction and desire that had gotten them here, in this moment she had a single-track mind.

"God, 'Manda…fuck me."

She heard Amanda make an amused sound, and she was sure she was smiling though she couldn't see her. "Isn't that what I'm doing now, babe?"

"Dammit Amanda…" Alex couldn't help thrusting her hips slightly upwards towards her, her body physically asking for what it needed.

Clearly Amanda knew what Alex was trying to tell her in her desire-fogged state, and she pushed Alex's shoulder down into the bed, dropping her from her arms onto her back, before adding a third finger and thrusting into her hard.

The air was taken from Alex's lungs in the form of a gasp that ended as a moan. She wanted to reach up and grab Amanda by the hair, and maybe pull her down to kiss her, but her brain wasn't working quite right and her body definitely couldn't put attention towards anything other than Amanda on top of her fucking her hard.

Amanda had situated herself so that her core was pressed against Alex's thigh through her underwear, so she was grinding against her with every thrust. She kissed Alex hard, dominating her mouth with her own. Alex moaned against her into the kiss but it was cut short from lack of air. Between Amanda pushing her tongue roughly against hers, and pounding her fingers in and out of her seemingly as hard as she could, Alex could hardly catch her breath.

When Amanda took a breath for herself, Alex pulled her head down to her neck, where Amanda immediately latched on, nipping with her teeth and swirling her tongue against Alex's now hot skin.

Amanda was breathing heavy into Alex's ear, Alex knew from the exertion of fucking her and the pleasure she was also experiencing moving against her. "Fuck Alex…"

Amanda's strained and breathy exclamation in her ear seemed to intensify for Alex the feeling of her fingers inside her. "MMmm!" Alex responded. She wouldn't last much longer. She felt her tension building higher and she managed to choke out "Don't…stop!" Amanda growled into her neck and increased the pace of her movements inside her.

The rest of the world around her seemed blurry as Amanda pushed Alex over the edge. Alex let go and screamed out her orgasm, her body contorting upwards into Amanda as the pleasure shook her. When she had pushed out all the air in her lungs she fell back down into the bed, but her body still clenched around Amanda's hand for a few more moments. She felt herself enter a euphoric relaxed state as Amanda collapsed beside her. She turned towards her and saw her gorgeous face slightly pink, her hair somewhat matted with sweat, and her chest heaving with shallow pants. Alex knew that if they had gone on like that for much longer, Amanda would have come along with her.

"Come here."

"What?" Amanda breathed.

"Come. Here." Alex licked her lips and raised her eyebrows. Amanda moaned, understanding what she wanted. Alex thought that normally Amanda would have resisted with some flirty banter, not wanting to give up her dominant role, but Alex knew that she was so close to the edge that she couldn't protest in the slightest. Amanda pushed her underwear off and moved over Alex so that her knees were on either side of her head.

Alex immediately grabbed her hips and pulled her down. Unlike how Amanda had teased her earlier, Alex was already focused on her end goal. She spread Amanda's legs further and quickly thrust her tongue inside her.

"OHhh!" Amanda moaned, perhaps surprised that Alex didn't give any prelude before fucking her with her tongue. She grabbed onto the headboard and already Alex felt her muscles tighten. Alex licked her up and down before taking Amanda's clit into her mouth. Amanda was somewhat whimpering and shaking above her, and it only took a few rapid licks before her orgasm crashed over her. "FUU-uuhhhh…" The wooden headboard creaked as Amanda gripped it hard and Alex felt each wave coursing through her with her tongue as she came on top of her. As she was trembling above her Alex worked to draw out her orgasm as long as possible, continuing to lick her as she shuddered and holding her hips steady as she grew weak. Finally letting out the breath she had been unintentionally holding and pulling her legs closer together, Amanda pushed lightly on Alex's forehead, telling her to stop.

She collapsed next to Alex on the bed, chest heaving. As she caught her breath she smiled at Alex, who realized she was already grinning. "Jesus, Alex."

"Mmhmm," she agreed simply, and slid over against her. Amanda put her arm around her and Alex settled in with her head on her chest. She sighed happily, enjoying the feeling of their bare bodies together, though now, after they had both gotten off, in a non-sexual way. Amanda gently kissed the top of her head, and Alex lay there in a sort of sleepy half-consciousness, perfectly content.


End file.
